Re: Office Romance

It has come to my attention that several employees may be engaged in interoffice romance. The only problem I have with this is that it has come to my attention! If you're screwing around with each other, fine! Just don't let it interfere with the operations of the company.

For example, during our monthly progress meetings, it certainly does not help matters when half of you are playing footsy. You think I am unaware of this? After 27 years in business, I know what the glazed-over expression of a person playing footsy looks like! Also, don't think that I don't notice when you stand up with your folders in front of your waists, gentlemen. I've been there.

So, in order to facilitate an atmosphere more conducive to work and less conducive to romance, we will be replacing every table, wall, and desk with a Plexiglas version of the same. Even my own office will be open for all to see. Also, we will be keeping several "company suites" at the closest hotel, so that you may take your affairs elsewhere during lunch or non-business hours. I hope these new policies contribute to a happier, more productive work environment.

Joe The Temp (hired to get these girls in line at their work!)

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Message sent by return mail to "Joe"

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Memo Regarding Office Supplies

re: Office Supplies Policy

Our office manager, Walter, has informed me of some disturbing trends in office supply consumption and use. Specifically, we are being unnecessarily wasteful, and possibly stealing large amounts of supplies. This has led me to implement some new policies regarding the supply room:

1. No one may enter the supply room. Please give your list of needed supplies to Walter, along with a detailed explanation of what you need them for.

2. The supply room will be locked during non-business hours, and during Walter's lunch break.

3. The supply room will be fitted with a security grid that gives off a meager but effective 1000 volts.

4. No more staples. Staples are a waste of money, since paper clips are just as effective, and more importantly, re-usable.

5. No more tape. Post-It notes can be used just as effectively, and can also be written upon, as an added bonus.

6. No more pens. Pencils are cheaper, and erasable.

7. No more tissues. There shall be no more crying in Section

8. No more staple removers. See number 4.

9. No more Mr. Nice Guy. Though an effective means of stress reduction, we have been going through too many of those squishy rubber heads. Wads of toilet paper are a reliable substitute.

10. No more Toblerones. I still don't know why we ever carried those delicious high-quality Swiss chocolates to begin with. They are very pricey. You can buy them when you are not on Close Quarters Standby.

11. Employees must check their bags, hats and garter belts with security upon leaving the building at the end of each workday. Those employees who feel uncomfortable with this will not be subjected to these searches, however will become test subjects of the Torture Twins

Joe The Temp (hired to get these girls in line at their work!)

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Memo Regarding CLHC Copier Abuse

Re: Copier Abuse

It has come to my attention that the copier is being used for purposes other than business matters. For example, the large hairy buttock (it must have been enlarged several times it's normal size) I received in my in-box with the handwritten caption "I'm feeling cheeky!" was not only rude, it was poorly rendered.

As anyone with copier experience knows, shadowy areas need to be lightened accordingly. Had the perpetrator known this, the buttock in question would have been sharper, crisper, and more lifelike. Hence, the joke would have carried more weight. It actually took me a few moments to realize that the dark inky mass was indeed a buttock, and not some blurry NASA photograph from the Web.

At any rate, until the orchestrator of this charade comes forward, all copying is off-limits. You will find carbon paper in the supply closet. Thank you.

Joe The Temp

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Response to Joe...

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Memo Regarding Telephone Abuse

re: Telephone Use Policy

It has become quite obvious to me that the current policy of long-distance usage, namely, that we allow it, is no longer effective. In the past quarter, our phone bills have gone up dramatically from the previous quarter, indicating excessive long-distance abuse. Considering that we are based in , and that all of our clients are in , this is unacceptable. To cite a few examples:

1. A 42 minute call from our offices to Canada

2. A 36 minute COLLECT CALL from Texas to our offices.

3. A 6 minute call to a Pizza Hut in Hawaii. Puzzling.

4. An 83 minute call to a suggestively named 1-900 number.

5. A 2-minute call to Paraguay. Paraguay?

6. And here's the champ: A 14,354-minute call to Idaho. I have been informed that the call to was probably due to a fax error. But still, we have no offices or clients in . A fax machine was left on-line with for almost 10 days, people. Why? Either this is a practical joke or some new strain of highly contagious incompetence that has infected my company.

At any rate, I have discontinued long-distance service to your offices. If you need to make a long distance call, you must use a pay phone. The nearest pay phones are just a block away, between the Planet Hollywood and Rob's Ribs.

Joe The Temp

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Rita had been receiving a variety of messages on her panel from Joe some damn guy who was under the misguided impression that he was going to put the CL'ERS in line. That was laughable since Operations could barely manage that on a good day. Joe was going down

She was on her way to Section to talk to her favorite hacker as she was passing the debriefing rooms she heard George Jones' "I Don't Need Your Rocking Chair." Being played from inside the debriefing room. Rita laughed and wondered if Brenna was practicing line dancing again with Xavier or trying to persuade Birkoff to try. Rita punched in the code to let herself in. And what she saw was scary.

"Curlly!" Rita rushed over to her friend who was not looking too good.

Curlly unrolled herself from the fetal position. "Turn it off or get me out of here. Thank you Rita."

"Curlly who did this to you?" Rita asked as she helped her friend out of the room.

Once in the hallway away from the offensive music Curlly seemed to brighten. And then she got mad. "That's it! I am going to kill that girl when I get my hands on her. I just have to get some stuff and then GLORY! Sherry's goose is cooked." Curlly turned to run down the hall.

Rita just shook her head in amazement. Things were getting interesting. She continued her walk to comm to get the info about Joe out of Birkoff.

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Perry walked her to her door and waited while she let herself in. "I'm sorry again for the misunderstanding, Sherry. Madeline convinced me it was true."

Sherry sighed. Even though she thought the guy was a total creep, she knew this wasn't completely his fault. "Don't worry about it, Perry. Just forget it ever happened. I intend to." With that she walked into her room and slammed the door shut behind her. She threw her purse on the desk and headed for the bathroom.

"Ugh," she shuddered and headed for the bathroom. She hadn't noticed Michael waiting for her.

"Cherie, what is wrong?" he asked concerned with the way she was acting and with the fact that she hadn't noticed his presence. That was not good. Being that distracted could get an operative killed.

"Michael, I need to take a shower. I just spent the evening with that sleezeball Bauer. Somebody is gonna pay for this, and I have a pretty good idea who it's gonna be!" With that she slammed the door to the bathroom shut.

Michael knew it was PJ day and that those girls tended to go a bit crazy. He wasn't sure he wanted to stick around to see what Sherry had in mind for the person who did this to her, but he knew he had better. He didn't want her to get too carried away. A few moments later she was out of the shower and back in the living room pacing back and forth like a caged animal.

"Sherry please sit down," Michael suggested. He knew better than to order her in the mood she was in.

"I can't, Michael. I have to figure out whether it was North or Rita that sent me on that date with Perry. Although I have a pretty good idea it was Rita. Maybe I'll just hit them both and that will take care of it."

"There you are George! I'm afraid there is a problem. Today just doesn't seem to be my day. Can we do this on Monday?"

"What seems to be the problem?"

"I totally forgot to day was PJ day. Sherry just locked me in a room and pumped in that awful country music!" Curlly could barely keep the hysteria out of her voice.

"You poor thing. First your darling cat, now that music. Is there anything I can do to help?"

Curlly's smile would have scared sherry and Avi if they saw it. Well, since Rita rescued her she couldn't go ahead with her plans, so she'd stick to getting Sherry and Avi.

Curlly hurried to CLHQ. By the time those girls got back it would be dark. She took every light bulb in HQ out (except for Rita and her apartments) and put them in a rowboat. She even got all the lights out of storage. She used a remote to guide the boat to the center of the pond between the stables and the gazebo. Then dropped anchor. She then set up sensors along the perimeter of the pond. Anyone triggering the sensors and the small explosive at one end of the boat would explode and the boat full of light bulbs would sink.

Now to go get Sherry and Avi, and anyone else she came across. Only 23 hours left!